Why is it that everyone I know is so negative all the time? I can't understand it and I don't particularly like it. I think this is part of why I miss James as much as I do when he's not around. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love being around him and I miss that, but I also think I miss being with a like-minded person. Someone who appreciates life and happiness and doesn't look down on people so easily. Again, I'm no angel, I've done my share of hating on people who probably don't deserve it, but it's not consistent. I get in my hatin' moods and have to follow through with it, but unless I'm in that mood, it just bothers me that people are intolerant. Some other part of what gets my panties all in a bunch has to do with my tastes, and the tastes of the people around me. When nothing's on TV except some really good movies, and being as I'm a fan of any really good movie, I'll put it on, and my friends get all bent out of shape because it's something they've never seen and don't care to, or they aren't in the mood to watch something of substance. I guess it bothers me that my friends are often unwilling to give something good a chance because it strays from their typical tastes. I mean, why not? Why not watch a black and white movie that happens to be really great? Or a silent one? Or hell, even a color/sound movie that was made a decade or so ago? Anyway, I know I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal at all. Everyone has tastes and personalities and everyone is different. You don't maintain friendships with people because they also dig David Bowie. It's because they're good people and you appreciate them being in your life. I'm grateful that I'm aware enough of that that I'm not about to end my friendships with people over things like this. It just gets frustrating sometimes when it feels like you're the only one on your team. I feel better when I've had a chance to let these feelings out rather than brood about how no one understands me EMO WAAAH. It's definitely healthier to know what upsets you and whether or not it's a BIG upset or a little upset. In this case, it's a little upset that's caused by a BIG opinion I have about life and whatnot. So not everyone lives their life the same way I do. World wouldn't be very interesting if everyone was the same, right?

So after going through a shitload of old posts on this bitch and realizing I've got a lot of writing holed up in here, I decided it's not very fair of me to just abandon it the way I have. Why can't it document my life and my ups and downs and the good and bad times I've had? Why not?! WHY. Also, after going through these things, I've found I'm funniest when I'm just talking shit about my regular old life. So there! I'm keeping this journal updated for my regular old life and using the Blogspot one for srs bsnss. As srs as my bsnss gets, anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this crap anymore, so it's basically for my own enjoyment and to laugh at how funny I think I am.

OMG I AM SO FUNNY. SO. SO. FUNNY. LOL YOU GUYS. L@FF IN MY ROOM.

Anyway. Update on mah lyfe.

Boyfriend:

Name: James
Height: Taller than me
Weight: Perfect.
Abilities: Nom.
Stats: Excellent at bein' rad, designing the shit out of some video juegos.

Also excellent at snugglin' and lookin' at me with pretty eyes in the mornings.

Also excellent at being adorable.

Also OK SHUT UP.

Living in a new apartment complex now, called Newport North, don't know if this has been covered and if it has, we're covering it again because I don't give a fuck. Living with DJ, Cameron and Adam. We were living with Emilio, but things got weird because DJ is crazy and he ended up getting kind of shoved out. New friends Rachel and Allison are over a lot, mostly because Allison and DJ are going out now (Who'd have thought, right? I was surprised at first too, but now things are cool and I'm happy as peaches for them. Is that right? Can peaches even be happy? Whatever.) and because me and Rachel are SOULMATES. Troof.

It's nice to be able to talk random shit about my life and not worry about people trying to shut me up.

Because you can't shut me up, Internet. This is what you were made for. Whingy brats telling you their parents wouldn't buy them tickets to the My Chemical Romance concert. This is exactly what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

Because the internet is tubes.

Ok, seriously, I'm done.

P.S. I was just listening to Green Finch and Linnet Bird, but when I got to the end of this post I changed it because I was like "I don't want to put "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" for Music"

BUT NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH SO IT'S RUINED ANYWAY OMG.

It's a new thing for me, but it's something I think I need to get myself more acquainted with. I'm in college, why shouldn't I just date? I have so much time to get serious about relationships and think about settling down. For now, why not just spend time with people whose company I enjoy? So that's it. Back with Jack, but in an open relationship. Kind of like that whole, "we're 'dating' but we're not 'boyfriend and girlfriend' IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

I don't know what I mean, but I do know that this works for me. I don't mind Jack being with Andy because the same goes for me. If I meet someone and I want to go on a date or whatever, I can. The bottom line is being together makes us happy, and why shouldn't we be happy while we try to grow up and find out where we're really going and what we're doing with our lives?

For me, it just means I can enjoy being with Jack while I can. And that's kind of what Andy and Jack are doing, too. And in the end, what's so wrong with that?

So I think I blow things out of proportion. A LOT. This whole getting upset over Daniel was so not even worth my time. And in my head it's like everything's back to normal.

Bottom line is, Daniel and I are friends, and now the issue is BROS BEFORE HOS. If he thinks he can stand us all up to go hang out with Allison all the time, he's got another thing coming :P

I do miss talking to Jack. I haven't talked to him since like, last week. I know he was getting stuff done to his computer, but I thought it'd be done by now. He's just doing his own thing, I guess.

Haha! He just IMed me. Talk about timing.

Anyway, not much else to say. Gonna get back to work.

EDIT:
KIND OF DRUNK. Shh.

Things are just difficult right now.

I want to take a day off. But this is one day I just can't take off. Need Disneyland like you wouldn't believe.

I like the whole new blog thing. I like the layout and I like that it's something that could actually get attention for being good. I'm trying to keep my personal life out of it. That's what this one's for, right? So let's get to it. What happened lately?

Well, what caused my spaz-out the other day is that Allison picked me up from the train station and took me to campus, and right before I left, she told me that she liked Daniel. Now, it was upsetting because I'm trying to get over him, and it hurt that it was so automatic for them. There were all these problems when I told him I liked him, and when she told him, it was like "I like you" "I like you too" No complications. None except me, anyway. And that hurt too. Like I'm in the way. And they've been asking me every day how I'm doing and when they're together, everyone's lying through their teeth about it and I hate it. I feel like I'm being treated like a child. I went to a baseball game with Rachel yesterday, and we were planning on going to Pinkberry after to meet our potential roomie Merissa. That fell through, but we figured we'd just go together anyway. So I was calling around, and Daniel said he wasn't going to go, but was real vague about why. "I'm out doing stuff" or something. And I had a feeling it was because he was going to be hanging out with Allison. I felt a little more sure about it when Rachel called him to bitch him out for not returning our calls, and she was asking what he was doing, and said "Well, I'm not going to tell her that"

I dunno. Part of me completely got over the whole situation the other night. I cried a lot because of my own problems, and realized that despite the crush I have, it's not even about Daniel. It's not even about anyone in particular. It's because I miss that connection I had with Jack. We were so invested in each other that we took a little piece of each other, and I want my piece back. I don't mean that to sound like Jack broke up with me and broke my heart and whatever, because I know the whole thing was my doing. It's just that when you get that close to someone, there's something special between you that no one else can touch. And breaking up has made me feel like I'll never be able to experience making that connection with someone else because Jack still has that piece of me. I guess it's why I'm so eager to get into another relationship. Because I feel like I don't have to get that piece back, maybe I can just regenerate it if I meet somebody.

I signed up for match.com last night out of curiosity and boredom, and found this one person who looks interesting. I clicked on the little "see more like him" link, and got this message that said there was no other person like him. No profile matched up. I did that to my own profile this morning and got at least 20 girls. All of whom are beautiful. It was a little disheartening.

I just want to feel normal and settled again. Going home helped, but it was over so soon.

All I can do is keep going. Keep fulfilling my responsibilities and just take life as it comes at me. Planning for anything other than schoolwork can't work for me right now.

I'm going home this weekend, and I'm way excited. I need to get back to mah ROOTS.

That's it, basically.

So now that I've effectively spilled my guts to anyone and everyone who will listen to my boy plight (whether under the influence of certain alcoholic beverages or not), it can't hurt to post it on the interwebs, can it? Of course not.

The Gist:
-Realized I had feelings for Daniel, and less so, but still in the crushin' stage, for Cameron.
-Talked to a few people about it. Who were OH SO DELIGHTED THAT I FINALLY ADMITTED IT.
-Was advised by various people either to wait it out or tell him.
-Told him.
-Shot down.
-Drank a drink with a little too much booze. Just enough to get me into that "truth serum drunk/buzzed" phase, where I told Daniel not only everything regarding my feelings on the matter, but also that I was crushin' on his friend, Cameron, and that Allison doesn't like him.
-Dreaded German class.
-Midterms ahhh.
-Party.
-Awkward/normal? lack of change by Daniel in attitude and action around me.
-Gave a footrub? Why?
-Mixed signals to the max.

Here are my thoughts on the matter. I am goddamned catch. I couldn't (though I can relate with the issues, still can't really) understand why I would not be at least worth a shot. This comes down to the issue of attraction, body type, being 'just one of the guys'. Which is wholly unfair and sucks majorly. Even so, I can live with it. I can forget about it and move on. BUT. If the whole idea is to move on, why is there a continuation of this flirtatious attitude? I understand we did it jokingly before, but know that you know how I feel, why do you keep it up? You must understand that it puts me in a very awkward position, so why send me the mixed signals when you've already told me you're just not into me? Why put me through that? There are only two reasons I can see for this. And they are:

1. Being a dick. Messing with me because now you have the upper hand.
2. Being oblivious. Trying to keep things "normal" by acting the same way while not recognizing how it affects me.

I should just move. Start the fuck over and meet differently-minded people in other parts of the country. Or the world. Geez.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWLLLLLLLLLLS

So it turned out I should have taken that extra time to think about the breakup, because getting back together was a hasty decision that was only a result of my feelings for Jack overpowering my reason. I know that emotionally, it's really tough, and I have known it. I just wanted to fight through it to be able to have him, and as it turns out, that takes a lot more bravery on my part than I'm capable of. Jack said he wanted so badly for me to be happy with him, and I honestly wanted that too. I hope he knows. I feel like at the last moment I turned into a heartbreaker in his eyes, and that's what hurt the most. Of all the things that could happen, I would do anything to keep from adding Jack to the list of guys who think I purposely mess with them. I feel like I treated us both like less than adults by giving in to my emotions so easily. I should have thought it out better and spared us both all this pain. But I don't want to pour salt in a fresh wound that was beginning to heal when I pulled the band-aid off too soon.

Anyway, right after Jack signed off, I went to take a shower so I would stop looking like such a monster and drain all the liquids out of my face. When I came back and checked my email, I had a message from my dad about going to Mass. And... I don't know. It was like a lightbulb. It's funny how things like that fall in your lap right when you need them the most. So I took out my rosary and prayed for comfort and strength for Jack and I, and just for help, so that both of us can heal and do our own thing. Seriously, ever since I was little, praying has always been able to calm me down no matter what's going on. As long as I can take a couple breaths and get through it, it's like it lifts a weight off my shoulders.

So now, despite the pain and the guilt and the sadness, I do feel hopeful. About both of us. I think we're both going to be ok. It was a big mistake of mine to get back together so hastily, and I think we were on the way to being comfortable with being friends before I jumped back into a relationship, and hopefully we'll be able to do that again. I'm hopeful that Jack will be ok, too. I know I hurt him badly, and it absolutely kills me to know that I've done that, AGAIN, but I think if he believed me, he knows I still think he's wonderful, and as I said before, maybe this could work out sometime in the future. Or maybe we'll meet other people who will make us happy.

Either way, I am thankful for the time I spent with you, Iain. It was beautiful and it changed me and you'll always be part of my life. Right now it's painful, but I'd rather have this pain than to have never met you.

So while I was talking to Jack this morning, I realized exactly what's wrong, and exactly why I'm so hesitant to get back together. It's not because I don't trust him or I don't believe things could get better. In fact, I phrased it perfectly while we were talking, so I'm just going to post that here.

Let's try this.

In no particular order, Elyse/Elyse's heart/Elyse's subconscious is feeling:

1. Miserable. Everything reminds me of us. I want things to be the way they used to be.
2. Apologetic. We'll get back together and everything will be ok again, somehow. We'll worry about it later.
3. Rational. We can't worry about it later. We have to figure it out now. What kind of future do you have together, Elyse?
4. Frightened. What will all my friends say, who were so quick to support my decision before?
5. Nervous. What if we get back together and my parents disapprove, now that they know the truth?
6. Hesitant. There were times when I was unhappy. What if this actually is the better decision?
7. Hopeless. He'll never get better. We'll never be able to be together. I'll never meet someone like him.
8. Dead. I don't have the energy to deal with this right now. I have midterms next week. I'm looking for an apartment.
9. Defeatist. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone right now. Nothing ever seems to work out for me.
10. Stupid. This hasn't worked before. Why did I ever let myself believe it would work this time?
11. Cruel. You never really loved him, did you? You were just looking for a way out. They were all right about you.
12. Crazy. How did this even happen? No one believes I could fall in love with someone I've never met. Maybe they're right. Maybe something's wrong with me. What's wrong with me?

And this is why I can't make a decision. They all want to be the winners.

Finally got to talk to Jack about this whole mess, and really, talking to him made me feel a lot better. I just wanted to know that he was ok and get his feelings about everything, and the situation we decided on works for me. For the time being, I just have to deal with being lonely every now and then. Which is my own doing, really. I know my feelings weren't something I could control, but the decision was mine, and despite not feeling completely miserable about it anymore, of course I'm still sad. The bottom line is that I love him. I'm still in love with the person he is. And I wish the hardships we face didn't affect me the way they do, so that we could be together, but that's just not the way things are turning out. And who knows, at some point, he may improve a lot, and it may be healthier for us to be in a stable relationship. But until then, I think I just need to be alone for a little while. No one has ever made me feel the way he made me feel, and no one ever understood me so completely. At this point I still believe he's perfect for me, and it makes it hard to separate myself from him for my own sake. For both our sakes. But right now all I can do is do my own thing and pray. Pray my ridiculously empathetic little heart out. Because the only one who can handpick the perfect person for me is God, because He knows me better than anyone. I just have to wait and have faith that when the time is right, He'll present me with the right one.

So this weekend has been something of a party weekend for everyone, it seems.

Friday afternoon Daniel wanted to show me a comic he and his friends had made up when they were in high school, and afterwards we didn't have anything to do, so we decided to call Allison and play catch in the grassy area between 290 and 292. After I sufficiently schooled everyone with my baseball SKILLZ, Rachel offered to make us dinner if we went over. So we went back to Allison's and had some delicious ravioli. But while everything was cooking we had a few shots. Everyone took either one or one and a half except Allison, who had four. Now, everyone else was feeling pretty normal because it wasn't that much booze, but Allison and I hadn't eaten, so we started feeling it within like, 5 minutes. And while I was just feeling buzzed, Allison was drunk. The whole thing was ridiculous, because we were laughing at everything and eating ravioli, and then we had hamburgers too when Allison's friend Aaron came over. We were going to go to Pinkberry, but that plan fell through and I decided to call it a night relatively early, as I had to work Celebrate UCI on Saturday. That was an adventure in itself. I left with Amy for campus at about 7:15, and we were working on something continuously until about 3. I didn't mind all that much though, because I get paid extra :) Hoorah. Anyway, after that, Allison told me she was throwing a birthday party for her friend Mario who was coming into town, and I said if she could pick me up, I'd stop by. Now, a couple weeks ago, Adam had planned for us all to go to dim sum this Sunday, and I knew we were going to leave pretty early in order to get there when the place opened, because it gets packed really fast. So I figured I'd stop by Allison's party, and either bring some clothes and spend the night at Dante's or ask Dante or Daniel to take me home later. Anyway, Allison's friend Mario got drunk within the first 15 minutes of the party due to his being like, 90 lbs. I didn't think I was drunk, but I did have more to drink than I usually do. Daniel had been drinking a lot the night before, after I'd gone home, and spent the night throwing up at Allison's, so he was staying away from the booze. Allison was a little more under control than the night before. Anyway, it wasn't a rager or anything. Just a couple of our friends together having a few drinks together. Because I was feeling a little tipsy, I figured I'd just spend the night at Dante's, but something happened with a drink and it ended up all over my shirt. Everyone else was planning to head to another party in Campus Village, and I wasn't prepared for that. In addition, I had forgotten to grab extra clothes, and I knew my wet shirt wasn't going to fly as suitable attire for the morning dim sum, so I decided to call Dante. He and Emilio and Emilio's friends Rich and Erika had been invited, but they were out at dinner when we called, so I thought they'd probably be on their way home. I made my way over to Dante's apartment thinking someone might possibly be home, but alas, no dice. I sat at their door and called to see where everyone was, and they were indeed heading home, and just said to wait for them. None of them knew that I'd been drinking over at Allison's, so I guess it sounded a little strange to them when I declined waiting in the game room down the hall rather than on their doorstep, but as I told Emilio, it would have been too hot in there.

NOW. When everyone got there, they asked where I'd been, and I said I was over at Allison's, and they started giving me a hard time about being drunk, but I didn't believe, and still don't, that I really was. I was definitely tipsy, because I was warm and giggly and everything kept tasting better and better, but I wasn't feeling extremely disoriented or dizzy, I wasn't having trouble walking around, and when I woke up, I felt fine and didn't feel groggy or hungover at all. Now, what I'm trying to figure out is whether or not I was drunk. Because, never having been drunk, I don't really know what it feels like. And my only options are that I didn't drink that much (which, actually, I didn't, but since it was more than usual, I expected to be feeling it a little more than I was), I have a higher tolerance than I thought I did, or I was simply drunk and didn't know that's what it was.

Anyway, this morning we all took off for dim sum in Rosemead at Sea Harbor or something, and it was delicious and wonderful, and despite my not getting very much work done (there's still time!), I am quite satisfied with this weekend. I don't think I could ever get into the habit of partying as much as some of my friends do, but it's nice to have little get-togethers with my closer friends and just have fun together. With or without booze. :) And I think this weekend has been chock full of good times. I am sore from playing catch and laughing so much when I was tipsy though, so now it hurts to laugh loudly :P Whatever though. Definitely worth it.

Wow, this has been a long post. Time to get it over with :)

So here's what's happened lately.

Lost Watermarke.
Regained footing in apartment hunt
Figured out about the UROP Symposium.
Didn't go to Linguistics forever.
Took initiative in getting a second job.
Am continuing to pester Blockbuster until they hire me.
Mo's preggers. LOLOLOLOL
Bear and Kitten came back.
Love Jack
Antigone.
Michael Kohlhaas.

Spoke too soon.

:(

So lost right now.

Have you ever loved someone so much you came to the realization that nothing scared you anymore except the idea of what the world would be like without them?

I am beginning to regret my decision to start working in the mornings again.

Lulz, I need at least some recuperation time. Oh well, I have work for three hours for a job that takes me about one and a half, at most. I'm sure I'll have some time to just chill.

HumCore is a ridiculous pain in my ass at this point. Spring quarter had better be THE SHIT.

Amanda didn't come home last night. Which isn't really upsetting, I was pretty glad she didn't happen to walk in while I was talking to Jack. I might have been caught in a rather... compromising position. We've been talking a little bit more than we usually do. It's kind of nice. We used to just kind of live together, and now it feels more like we're roommates.

I should probably roll myself out of bed and get dressed. I have to catch the bus in about a half hour.

Tschüss.

<3 - pour vous, mon amour

Heard this song at the Mad Film Dash Awards last night (P.S. We didn't win anything. We weren't even Top 25. I was a little bummed, but I did enjoy seeing the ones that did make Top 25), someone did a kind of music video thing with it, very cute. But the song itself really speaks to me. Like, ridiculously so. It's become my theme song. Enjoy lyrics.

New Soul - Yael Naim

I'm a new soul,
I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit ‘bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
felt the joy and the fear,
finding myself making every possible mistake.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul in this very strange world,
hoping I could learn a bit ‘bout what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end.
'course you don't understand.
Everything you have done...
why's everything so wrong?

This is a happy end.
Come and give me your hand.
I'll take you far away.

[Refrain]:
I'm a new soul,
I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit ‘bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
felt the joy and the love,
finding myself making every possible mistake.

I feel so...
in this very strange world
making every possible mistake
possible mistake
every possible mistake
oh mistakes
mistakes, mistakes, mistakes, mistakes, oh mistakes

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....