Why is it that everyone I know is so negative all the time? I can't understand it and I don't particularly like it. I think this is part of why I miss James as much as I do when he's not around. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love being around him and I miss that, but I also think I miss being with a like-minded person. Someone who appreciates life and happiness and doesn't look down on people so easily. Again, I'm no angel, I've done my share of hating on people who probably don't deserve it, but it's not consistent. I get in my hatin' moods and have to follow through with it, but unless I'm in that mood, it just bothers me that people are intolerant. Some other part of what gets my panties all in a bunch has to do with my tastes, and the tastes of the people around me. When nothing's on TV except some really good movies, and being as I'm a fan of any really good movie, I'll put it on, and my friends get all bent out of shape because it's something they've never seen and don't care to, or they aren't in the mood to watch something of substance. I guess it bothers me that my friends are often unwilling to give something good a chance because it strays from their typical tastes. I mean, why not? Why not watch a black and white movie that happens to be really great? Or a silent one? Or hell, even a color/sound movie that was made a decade or so ago? Anyway, I know I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't a big deal at all. Everyone has tastes and personalities and everyone is different. You don't maintain friendships with people because they also dig David Bowie. It's because they're good people and you appreciate them being in your life. I'm grateful that I'm aware enough of that that I'm not about to end my friendships with people over things like this. It just gets frustrating sometimes when it feels like you're the only one on your team. I feel better when I've had a chance to let these feelings out rather than brood about how no one understands me EMO WAAAH. It's definitely healthier to know what upsets you and whether or not it's a BIG upset or a little upset. In this case, it's a little upset that's caused by a BIG opinion I have about life and whatnot. So not everyone lives their life the same way I do. World wouldn't be very interesting if everyone was the same, right?

So begins the new quarter, with new sickness and new responsibilities alike. James had a cold at the end of the break and it was either suck it up and take the germs or go without nomming on him until he got better. After craving him for 3 weeks already, it was an easy decision. It seems like I got it pretty easy too. Just a typical cold: stuffy head, cough, a sore throat that goes away.

It seems I'm out of things to say. THAT'S ALL.

So... is it weird that whenever DJ buys Allison something expensive, I get a little sickened? Maybe it's just because it's not my style, but it seems kind of sugar daddy-esque to me. I don't know. Christmas gifts (and/or birthday, I guess) are one thing, which is why I don't include the necklace James got for me, or the camera DJ got Allison in this group of extravagant gifts. But I was honestly shocked when DJ showed me the camera and said that over the course of their relationship he had spent $900 on her. $900?! That's ridiculous to me. Especially because they were just things he bought her, not gifts for a birthday or anything. He bought her a new iPod nano, a new external drive, this camera for Christmas (which, though also pretty expensive for a first Christmas, is ok because, well whatever, it's Christmas. Everyone splurges.) a few expensive dinners out, etc. I think what made me even more uncomfortable about it was that when Allison called her mom to tell her about the gift, she said she'd probably be excited for her and that she'll often respond by saying "DJ treats you so well." What? Is that really all we're considering today? How well a man treats you is based on how much money he spends on you? Now I'm sure that's not the only thing Allison's mom is talking about, but you hear that kind of thing a lot these days, and it concerns me. Especially in an age where people are so willing to substitute wealth for love or companionship or family. I understand a nice dinner out once in a while, and maybe a nice gift on Christmas or your birthday, but spending so much money on a person without any cause feels to me like it's an attempt to buy affection. I wasn't expecting this necklace from James at all, and while I love it, I would have been happy with just about anything he could have given me, because the material doesn't matter. Because what is the material, at the end of the day? It's just stuff. We can't take it with us. I appreciate when James pays for my meals or buys my ticket for the movies, but I think if he did it all the time, I'd feel like I lost my sense of independence. Also if it happened all the time, I'd come to expect it, and it wouldn't be something thoughtful or special anymore, it'd just be me getting spoiled and losing appreciation. I suppose also because I don't really come from any money at all, buying so many gifts for someone seems wasteful. I'm trying to think, as I write this, of a reason why I feel this way, because I really don't know why it bothers me so much. I just know that hearing DJ name an amount of money he's spent on Allison made me feel almost queasy. That's a strong reaction. And I understand the way he feels about it, that money isn't worth anything if you're not generous, if you're not willing to give it away, but I guess I feel like love is the same way, and in my mind love is worth so much more than money or gifts, and it's impossible to use money or gifts as a representative of love. The absolute best gift someone I love can give me is their presence in my life.

I guess my main concept of love and consequently, the reason I feel so uncomfortable with the idea of money being used to quantify love, comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which basically everyone knows, but I'll post it anyway. Note especially the second sentence.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

Staying focused is difficult for me right now. Listening to You Look Nice Today while trying to write an essay on Don Juan for my German final, probably not the best idea. But I want to get through all the old ones, which is probably a lame reason, but whatever. Mainly my problem is that I've written about half of this thing and I've run out of things to say.





...uh.




Done.

Posting once a month is acceptable, right? Fall quarter has been all kinds of busy and I've been ready to kill myself numerous times. However, everything is all good now because things are finally coming to a close. Christmas break could not come at a better time. Uncle Dirk was telling me at Thanksgiving that this quarter is the quarter that tests my mettle when it comes to college. "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere", if you will. And I wholeheartedly agree. It's been a very challenging quarter, but I've gotten through it alright so far, so I'm not worried about the rest of the year. We'll see... we'll see.

So after going through a shitload of old posts on this bitch and realizing I've got a lot of writing holed up in here, I decided it's not very fair of me to just abandon it the way I have. Why can't it document my life and my ups and downs and the good and bad times I've had? Why not?! WHY. Also, after going through these things, I've found I'm funniest when I'm just talking shit about my regular old life. So there! I'm keeping this journal updated for my regular old life and using the Blogspot one for srs bsnss. As srs as my bsnss gets, anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this crap anymore, so it's basically for my own enjoyment and to laugh at how funny I think I am.

OMG I AM SO FUNNY. SO. SO. FUNNY. LOL YOU GUYS. L@FF IN MY ROOM.

Anyway. Update on mah lyfe.

Boyfriend:

Name: James
Height: Taller than me
Weight: Perfect.
Abilities: Nom.
Stats: Excellent at bein' rad, designing the shit out of some video juegos.

Also excellent at snugglin' and lookin' at me with pretty eyes in the mornings.

Also excellent at being adorable.

Also OK SHUT UP.

Living in a new apartment complex now, called Newport North, don't know if this has been covered and if it has, we're covering it again because I don't give a fuck. Living with DJ, Cameron and Adam. We were living with Emilio, but things got weird because DJ is crazy and he ended up getting kind of shoved out. New friends Rachel and Allison are over a lot, mostly because Allison and DJ are going out now (Who'd have thought, right? I was surprised at first too, but now things are cool and I'm happy as peaches for them. Is that right? Can peaches even be happy? Whatever.) and because me and Rachel are SOULMATES. Troof.

It's nice to be able to talk random shit about my life and not worry about people trying to shut me up.

Because you can't shut me up, Internet. This is what you were made for. Whingy brats telling you their parents wouldn't buy them tickets to the My Chemical Romance concert. This is exactly what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

Because the internet is tubes.

Ok, seriously, I'm done.

P.S. I was just listening to Green Finch and Linnet Bird, but when I got to the end of this post I changed it because I was like "I don't want to put "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" for Music"

BUT NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH SO IT'S RUINED ANYWAY OMG.

YOU'RE BLOODY WELL RIGHT.

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear

You give me fever
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever
In the morning
Fever all through the night

Sun lights up the daytime
Moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name
And you know I'm gonna treat you right

You give me fever
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever
In the morning
Fever all through the night

Everybody's got the fever
That is something you all know
Fever isn't such a new thing
Fever started long ago

Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet she felt the same
When he put his arms around her,
He said Julie, baby, you're my flame.
Thou givest fever
When we kisseth
Fever with thy flaming youth
Fever, I'm a fire
Fever, yeah, I burn forsooth

Captain Smith and Pocahontas
Had a very mad affair
When her daddy tried to kill him,
She said daddy, daddy, don't you dare
He gives me fever,
With his kisses, fever when he holds me tight
Fever I'm his Mrs.
Daddy, won' t you treat him right

Now you've listened to my story,
Here's the point that I have made
Chicks were born to give you fever
Be it Farenheit or Centigrade
They give you fever
When you kiss them
Fever if you live, you learn
Fever, till you sizzle
What a lovely way to burn
What a lovely way to burn
What a lovely way to burn

I have a boyfriend. I like him. He likes me. We cuddle. We kiss. It is enjoyable. We play scary video games that I might not have the spine for without him. We sit together on my couch and watch movies and TV shows with the rest of my roommates. Hopefully soon we may go to Disneyland together and have a ball.

Tomorrow I begin work on Endgame. It should be fun. Going to be getting a lot busier once this gets started, but it'll be a good experience.

It's a good life, this one.

JAMES LIKES ME JAMES LIKES ME JAMES LIKES ME JAMES LIKES ME.

TODAY IS THE VERY BEST DAY.

So after doing some thinking, I get the feeling this is the final straw, and this time God is basically shaking me by the shoulders going "WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME HANDLE THIS NOW?" So, yes. God, an open letter to you on the internet.

I will stop looking. I will not try to make anything substantial happen with random people, I will just keep on trucking and live my life. I know that eventually you'll hook me up and let something fall into my lap. Something wonderful, that won't be work to keep together, that will just happen because it's meant to happen. It took me a few years, a lot of resistance and frustration, but this time my eyes are wide open, and I know I have to just give you the wheel and stop trying to speed up my future and force my destiny. It's all you, now. I know you won't do me wrong.

This journal is hereby a testament to all my ridiculous decisions.

Thanks internet, you've been great. I'm here 'til Thursday.

So I need an outlet. And here you are, LJ! Always ready to listen. I have a lot of crap to vent about, so get ready for an assault.

First of all, I feel like a bitch, because I'm getting tired of people being over every day. I love our friends, and I love that they're so comfortable with us, but they come over literally every day. For the whole day. And I don't have any time to myself, and when I do take time for myself, like I have today, and just kind of sit in my room for the day, I get called anti-social. It's not anti-social. It's needing five seconds where I'm not surrounded by people. And what makes it worse is that there's drama surrounding just about everyone. Emilio's drama with Heather and Kelly, and everyone whispering about how they came over, and what's going on, and blah blah blah. And the drama with Olga, because apparently everyone but me finds her annoying and doesn't like when she comes over. And there's Allison and Rachel, neither of whom I really have a problem with, but it's just kind of lame that when Allison comes over, everyone knows we're not going to see her or DJ for at least an hour while they lock themselves up in his room and canoodle. And as much as I feel like a brat for saying it, despite knowing that he would be a terrible boyfriend or whatever, I still have my girlish crush on Cameron and it bothers me because Rachel hangs around him all the time. I know I don't have dibs on any of the guys I live with or anything, but I tend to get possessive of my guy friends and the people I live with, and it's just bad news. Speaking of the guys I live with, it hasn't been as much in the last couple days, but Emilio has been coming onto me a lot, and asking if we can sleep together, and talking about how he misses the "old days" and just generally being all over me. And it's insulting because it feels like now that he's not with Kelly or Heather anymore, he feels like he can fall back on me, because Elyse will always be available and willing, right? I'm just getting tired of people and this place. I feel like running away from all this unimportant bullshit and just going home. I want to go to Disneyland again and just sit and relax. I want to forget that people don't want me, forget that things aren't always nice, that people aren't always genuine and nice and just hide behind those sparkling gold spires. In the back somewhere.

And then there's this whole romantic mess I've gotten myself into. I love Jack. I don't think I can stop loving Jack. I don't want to have to deal with the fact that a relationship between us might never work out, that we might not ever even meet. I want to be with him and belong to him, but then I think about the different paths our lives are taking and I wonder how it would ever work. I want to be impractical and just go for it, but responsibilities and connections to people other than myself and obligations prevent me from taking a spontaneous trip to St. Louis, just baring my soul, and damn the torpedoes. It's so hard, because I'm trying to change myself. I'm trying to turn myself into the kind of girl who's ok with casual dating, and just going out with random people because I could just have a good time, and not because they make me light up inside and make me want to carry their children. I'm too much of a commitment-focused person, and I look forward so much to my long term plans like a marriage and a family, that a fling with someone I don't feel passionately for just feels like a waste of time. And I feel like at this point, that's all I can have, because no one around me wants to have the kind of relationship I want. And the one I can't have is the person who understands and shares all these goals and dreams I have, and who does make me light up inside and who makes me want to carry their children. It hurts me so, so deeply to think that in my lifetime so far I've met such an amazing person, and I might not ever get to make him a permanent fixture in my life. Because of circumstances that are beyond my control. And I feel like I'm constantly testing his patience, because I get jealous of the people in his life and of him. And I don't even know if I'm jealous of those people because he's dating them or if I'm jealous because he's dating at all, and I can't seem to allow myself to change and just date for fun.

In the end, I'm just a broken-hearted, wary, insecure and utterly lost individual who doesn't know which way to turn and who wants nothing more than to give myself completely to someone and have them take all of me, scuffs, chipped edges and all, and love me and want to share the rest of their life with me.

Edit: Wow, this actually saved. Last night I tried to post this and LJ suddenly went down. Also Rachel was in Cameron's bed this morning and that was wonderful.

It has been brought to my attention how horribly I have been neglecting this journal, and for no reason, because there's definitely not been a lack of events going on. So I figured it was time to get back on the horse.

Good and bad things going on, mostly good, hardly stressful things, and the bad things have only been like, minor emotional BS things I only put up with because I'm a girl and can't punch my way through bad feelings.

Good things: moved into 1234 without much of a hitch, bought a new couch for our living room, have generally been having a good time in our new quarters. Been working out fairly consistently, forcing myself to go to the gym on the days I don't have school so I'm not just totally lying around. Saw my family for the 4th in my new place, felt like a big girl entertaining guests because we prepared mostly everything. Kind of met someone? That's kind of a neutral point, though.

(Neutral: Met someone? Not really going anywhere, because neither of us are in a position to really date anyone, and there's other issues, but whatever.)

Bad things: Summer school, you're breakin' my balls! Not really, but it's just kind of a bummer. Emotional BS as earlier stated, mostly regarding my tendency to turn into a territorial lioness with my guy friends. Especially ones I happen to live with. I actually only recognized it today. When girls I know and approve of come over, I don't have a problem with it. But when strangers (girls) come over, I'm sizing them up and mentally doing that pacing thing lionesses do when stalking their prey. Not gonna lie, it does make me feel like kind of a badass, but also kind of like a bitch. Which I don't mind, in tiny increments, but I don't want to become ridiculously possessive of my roomies. Also been feeling a little sick in the mornings before I get out of bed, but that's been happening less as less, and I think it was just me transitioning to a new place.

Shitshitshit, losing focus. Ok. OK. No more bad things. We can talk. We can talk about it later. I have no coherent thought patterns at the moment going downstairs be arr bee OKAAAAY.

TTFN.


OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT, JACK CAME BACK AND EVERYTHING WAS OK. I'M PRETTY SURE NO ONE BUT JACK READS THIS AND HE KNOWS HE CAME BACK, BUT I'M JUST COVERING ALL MY BASES BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAST THING I WROTE ABOUT. End caps lock.

Jack's gone and I don't know where and I'm losing my shit. I don't know what to do and I have no way of contacting him. I've been absolutely freaking out over it, and there's nothing I can do for consolation until I hear SOMETHING. ANYTHING. He's been gone since Thursday morning, and I know he was going to get his computer fixed, but even if they kept it over the whole weekend, wouldn't he have gotten it back by now? I shouldn't think about it, I'll make myself sick.

I just need him to come back and tell me everything's ok, and I'm being a worrywart again because the tech people just kept his computer for too long or something. Until I hear from him, I'm completely sick with worry.

It's a new thing for me, but it's something I think I need to get myself more acquainted with. I'm in college, why shouldn't I just date? I have so much time to get serious about relationships and think about settling down. For now, why not just spend time with people whose company I enjoy? So that's it. Back with Jack, but in an open relationship. Kind of like that whole, "we're 'dating' but we're not 'boyfriend and girlfriend' IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

I don't know what I mean, but I do know that this works for me. I don't mind Jack being with Andy because the same goes for me. If I meet someone and I want to go on a date or whatever, I can. The bottom line is being together makes us happy, and why shouldn't we be happy while we try to grow up and find out where we're really going and what we're doing with our lives?

For me, it just means I can enjoy being with Jack while I can. And that's kind of what Andy and Jack are doing, too. And in the end, what's so wrong with that?

In the market for waking up next to someone I love.

I can't talk to anyone about the way I really feel.

No one really wants to know when they ask how you are.

I don't feel comfortable talking about this with most people. They're not used to seeing me anything other than happy.

I'm quickly losing every kind of release I have, and it's beginning to eat me up.

This is my last resort, I guess. Venting my emotions to an online journal that no one even reads anymore.

Here's how I feel, glowy box.
Lonely. And I don't always mean romantically. What I mean is, I come home at the end of the day to a silent apartment and an empty room. Still afraid, even now, to make a sound, for fear of eviction. I distract myself with homework for an hour or so, but at some point I have to face the fact that there is no one around. No one to talk to. No one who cares about anything I might feel like talking about. Even when I'm with my friends now I feel like there's some weird distance between us. Since the whole DJ fiasco, I don't think he or Allison feel at ease around me. Whenever I go to Norte now I feel like a burden. Someone is going to have to drive me home at the end of the day, and everyone is so verbal about not wanting to drive, or why I don't live closer. People I would like to spend more time with don't seem to want to have anything to do with me.

Stressed. I have a research paper due in little over a week that I haven't even really started on. I have a presentation to give in front of faculty, staff and people who actually care about undergraduate research that I have no idea how to formulate. I've been dealing with the issue of finding a new place and subleasing an old place or a new place. I've received word that I owe $764 to the Summer school offices, which is due on June 6th, whether or not I've received the funds I was promised by the financial aid office, which were to be my main source of income during the summer. This has also placed a hold on my record. I'm falling behind in Linguistics, got an F on my last homework, becoming more intimidated by German, and struggling to keep my head above water with all the reading I'm dismally behind on in HumCore. I criticize myself for not having a license or a car yet. I'm developing anxiety about my weight and self-image, all while making ends meet by less than $20

Walking home from the bus this afternoon, I was struck with the notion of being shot, and dying painfully on the sidewalk without anyone around me. WHAT? I mean, seriously?


It's my birthday in two weeks, and I only realized it two days ago.

I need to get out of here. Out of this apartment, out of this town, out of this rut.  Anywhere, just out. I'm looking forward to being with my family on Monday so badly, because being with them gives me the hope that I am ok. That I can get out of this. That I'm an interesting enough person that I could meet new people, and they would like me.

So I think I blow things out of proportion. A LOT. This whole getting upset over Daniel was so not even worth my time. And in my head it's like everything's back to normal.

Bottom line is, Daniel and I are friends, and now the issue is BROS BEFORE HOS. If he thinks he can stand us all up to go hang out with Allison all the time, he's got another thing coming :P

I do miss talking to Jack. I haven't talked to him since like, last week. I know he was getting stuff done to his computer, but I thought it'd be done by now. He's just doing his own thing, I guess.

Haha! He just IMed me. Talk about timing.

Anyway, not much else to say. Gonna get back to work.

EDIT:
KIND OF DRUNK. Shh.

Things are just difficult right now.

I want to take a day off. But this is one day I just can't take off. Need Disneyland like you wouldn't believe.

I like the whole new blog thing. I like the layout and I like that it's something that could actually get attention for being good. I'm trying to keep my personal life out of it. That's what this one's for, right? So let's get to it. What happened lately?

Well, what caused my spaz-out the other day is that Allison picked me up from the train station and took me to campus, and right before I left, she told me that she liked Daniel. Now, it was upsetting because I'm trying to get over him, and it hurt that it was so automatic for them. There were all these problems when I told him I liked him, and when she told him, it was like "I like you" "I like you too" No complications. None except me, anyway. And that hurt too. Like I'm in the way. And they've been asking me every day how I'm doing and when they're together, everyone's lying through their teeth about it and I hate it. I feel like I'm being treated like a child. I went to a baseball game with Rachel yesterday, and we were planning on going to Pinkberry after to meet our potential roomie Merissa. That fell through, but we figured we'd just go together anyway. So I was calling around, and Daniel said he wasn't going to go, but was real vague about why. "I'm out doing stuff" or something. And I had a feeling it was because he was going to be hanging out with Allison. I felt a little more sure about it when Rachel called him to bitch him out for not returning our calls, and she was asking what he was doing, and said "Well, I'm not going to tell her that"

I dunno. Part of me completely got over the whole situation the other night. I cried a lot because of my own problems, and realized that despite the crush I have, it's not even about Daniel. It's not even about anyone in particular. It's because I miss that connection I had with Jack. We were so invested in each other that we took a little piece of each other, and I want my piece back. I don't mean that to sound like Jack broke up with me and broke my heart and whatever, because I know the whole thing was my doing. It's just that when you get that close to someone, there's something special between you that no one else can touch. And breaking up has made me feel like I'll never be able to experience making that connection with someone else because Jack still has that piece of me. I guess it's why I'm so eager to get into another relationship. Because I feel like I don't have to get that piece back, maybe I can just regenerate it if I meet somebody.

I signed up for match.com last night out of curiosity and boredom, and found this one person who looks interesting. I clicked on the little "see more like him" link, and got this message that said there was no other person like him. No profile matched up. I did that to my own profile this morning and got at least 20 girls. All of whom are beautiful. It was a little disheartening.

I just want to feel normal and settled again. Going home helped, but it was over so soon.

All I can do is keep going. Keep fulfilling my responsibilities and just take life as it comes at me. Planning for anything other than schoolwork can't work for me right now.